How to select a compatible life-partner
by Ananta Rupa Das


The following is a concise treatise on the most important principles of match 
making. Much pain and heartache arising from unhappy marriages can be avoided, 
if we understand these principles and pay attention in the very beginning, 
before we seriously commit ourselves. There are certain common mistakes people 
make when getting involved with partners they are not compatible with. The 
material presented here is designed to help you avoid making these mistakes. 
Applying the maxim that "a true statement should be accepted irrespective of 
its origin," I have incorporated information from various sources, including 
books on astrology and some well-researched books by modern authors. 

While reading this text, keep in mind that the suggestions given hereafter are 
material considerations. Following them increases the likelihood of harmony 
and happiness in married life, but does not, in and of itself, entail 
spiritual progress and realization. Nevertheless, these principles deserve 
careful consideration, because marrying a compatible life-partner makes 
married life more peaceful. If your marriage is peaceful, you can serve your 
spiritual master and Krishna without difficulty, but if your mind is 
constantly filled with frustration, depression or anger, because you and your 
spouse are forever quarreling, you cannot engage in spiritual life with 
concentration. So, to select a compatible marriage partner is important, 
because a peaceful home makes for a peaceful mind and with a peaceful mind you 
can serve Krishna with great vigor and determination. And, of course, without 
peaceful homes there cannot be a peaceful society. Most of the problems in 
this world are caused by disturbed or insane individuals who are the product 
of troubled homes. If you are planning to get married and want to do your bit 
to establish peace in the world, you can begin by selecting a compatible 
life-partner. This is the first - and perhaps the most important - ingredient 
of a marriage which is harmonious and happy and, therefore, productive of good 
children. How important it is for ISKCON to somehow or other build strong 
families is expressed By His Holiness Jayapataka Swami in the following words:

    "The batting average of ISKCON marriages is really poor. Newlyweds are 
fired up for their new ashram, but more often than not they are like moths 
flying into the fire. They are generally ill-prepared to face the challenges 
of their new ashrama due to many misconceptions, illusions, romantic ideas, 
lack of proper role models and poor fund of knowledge of married life's 
demands. The result is that our marriage failure rate in ISKCON seems higher 
than the karmis. Strong grihastha means strong families means strong society. 
Our weak families are a curse and future generations will suffer due to it. 
For ISKCON to grow through the centuries we need to establish proper grihastha 
ashrama standards around the world. Although I am a sannyasi, how can I stand 
by and see so many marriages destroyed? We all want to see strong grihastha 
couples. If we have to take birth again in this world, we are really going to 
need it. I don't want to be born in a broken family again!" (9/3/93) 

Please note that this text is a first unedited draft. It is not intended to be 
final and needs to be approved before it can be considered cent percent 
authoritative. Nevertheless, I hope that you will find the presented points 
instructive and relevant to the topic at hand. I am circulating a few copies 
of this first version in order to get feedback so I can gradually improve it 
and, with your blessings, ultimately prepare a manual which is acceptable to 
all.

How useful is astrology in match making?

Being an astrologer myself, I would like to address this issue at the very 
beginning. Here is my personal stand: If an astrologer knows his trade, 
astrology can be a very useful tool for assessing the suitability of a 
particular match. However, astrology is not an absolute science. If two 
different astrologers read your horoscope you may get to hear two different 
interpretations (though they will generally agree on most points). And 
astrologers certainly make mistakes, especially in this age. According to K.N. 
Rao, one of India's most reputed contemporary astrologers, even the very best 
astrologer can only hope to achieve a correct prediction average of 8 out 10, 
what to speak of astrologers who are less qualified! I personally know of 
several persons who did have their compatibility checked before getting 
married, but they ended up divorced anyway. So, having a horoscope reading 
done is not an absolute guarantee that your married life will be blissfully 
happy. 

My advice is: If you are planning to get married or if you arrange the 
marriage of a dependent, do consult an astrologer, but do not rely on the 
astrological analysis alone. Over and above all, try to understand the basic 
principles of match making as explained hereafter; make use of your own 
discrimination, do not ignore your gut feeling and consult with experienced 
friends and well-wishers (who should, of course, know both the girl and the 
boy). If these three - common sense, intuition and the advice of unprejudiced 
well-wishers - unambiguously speak in favour of a match, chances are very good 
that the marriage will work out even if there was no horoscope reading done. 
Double checking the compatibility astrologically is particularly advisable, if 
the marriage candidates are very young and inexperienced or when they or 
others who know them have significant doubts about the match. In these cases 
an astrologer can help you see things more clearly and perhaps save you from 
ending up disappointed or heartbroken.   

Carefully deciding who you want to choose as your life-partner is ultimately 
your own responsibility

In this day and age, most western people trust their own judgement more than 
that of their parents or astrologers. In India, where marriages are arranged 
or sanctioned by the parents, children have implicit faith in their parents' 
decision and the parents, for their part, fully rely on the judgement of their 
astrologer. Only if the astrologer approves of a particular candidate, the boy 
and the girl are allowed to meet. If, after meeting once or twice under the 
supervision of a chaperon, it turns out that the boy and the girl like each 
other, they are allowed to marry. In the west the procedure is different. The 
candidates first fall in love and then meet freely as much as they like. Then, 
when their lusty desires are fully aroused, they become convinced that this 
person is the partner of their dreams and only then they may or may not have a 
horoscope reading done. If the astrologer says the match is not good, they 
either ignore it or go to see other astrologers until they finally find 
someone who tells them what they want to hear.  

Under the circumstances, the astrologer's job is not to tell you whether or 
not you should marry a particular person; his job is simply to point out 
potential difficulties that might manifest in your relationship. Being 
unbiased, he may be aware of factors which you cannot see on your own. So, 
carefully consider what he or she tells you, but ultimately deciding who you 
want to choose as your life-partner is your own responsibility (or of your 
guardians, if your marriage is arranged). If your marriage fails or turns out 
to be turbulent, do not blame the astrologer. Blame either your bad karma or 
yourself - for not putting in enough time and effort into deciding whether or 
not someone can make a good mate. 

What you can and cannot expect from your astrologer
 
Sometimes devotees I have never met contact me via mail or E-mail and request 
me to do a compatibility chart for them. I understand their predicament - 
probably there is no local astrologer - but assessing compatibility from a 
distance is somewhat like a doctor in China trying to diagnose a patient in 
Germany. Hardly the best methodology! Of course, there is some merit in doing 
a compatibility analysis by mail, but it is limited. According to Indian 
astrological text books, the astrologer should not only scrutinize the 
horoscopes but must also study the physical features of the couple. Before 
answering a particular question he must consider the state of mind of the 
questioner and also the omens seen or heard at the time of query. In other 
words, to give really sound advice the astrologer should meet both the girl 
and the boy and ask questions about their life history as well as their 
expectations regarding marriage and their ideal marriage partner. 

It is not realistic to expect your astrologer to be a psychic with mystic 
powers who can read your mind and exactly foresees what is going to happen in 
the future. The reality is: The vast majority of astrologers are not psychics. 
A competent astrologer does have more insight into human psychology and 
relations than the average mortal and, of course, has mastered certain 
standard astrological techniques by which he can anticipate trends and 
tendencies in life. In other words, by dint of his experience and 
qualifications, your astrologer should be able to say what could happen or 
what often happens in cases like yours. However, he will not always be able to 
come to an immediate, definitive and absolute conclusion regarding your 
situation. Trying to decide whether or not you should spend the rest of your 
days with a particular person can be tough and time consuming. Some cases are 
so complex that it is not possible to give one single simple answer, at least 
not on the spot. Then you will hear something like "there are compelling 
reasons to go ahead and compelling reasons not to go ahead" which puts the 
burden of decision back on your own shoulders. What then are the services a 
good astrologer can provide for you?

1)  He can help you see beyond the physical appearance of a person. He may be 
able to spot character flaws which are hidden to a casual observer.

2)  He can tell you whether someone is divorce-prone or destined to experience 
difficulties in married life regardless of who he or she gets involved with. 

3)  He can examine whether a particular relationship is based on physical 
attraction and compatibility or whether the bond is sustained by attraction 
alone. 

4)  He can examine in which areas you and your partner are more compatible and 
in which less.

5)  He can tell you whether you are prone to navet or self-delusion and can 
help you to get a more deep, complete and detached understanding of the 
practicality of a match.

On the difference between the Indian and the Western method of matching 
horoscopes

Indian and western astrologers are quite different in their approach to 
astrology in general and synastry (the art of matching horoscopes) in 
particular. Indian astrology emphasizes predestination and is much concerned 
with predicting external events (wealth, time of death, time and number of 
marriages, number and sex of children etc.). Western astrologers, on the other 
hand, emphasize free will and are more interested in analyzing the psychology 
and behavioural patterns of their clients rather than trying to predict 
external events that could take place in their life. Indian astrologers are 
much more inclined to give their verdict in absolute terms than their western 
counterpart. Indian astrologers often make categorical statements like "this 
is a good match, you should marry this person" or "this is a bad match, do not 
marry this individual", while a western astrologer usually simply points out 
good points and potential difficulties, but leaves the ultimate decision up to 
you.

When called upon to match two horoscopes, an Indian astrologer will typically 
apply a three-step-methodology; he will examine:

1)  Do the charts contain combinations for short life-span?

2)  Do the candidates have good, bad or mixed karma (destiny) for wealth, 
health, children and marital happiness?

3)  Is the juxtaposition of the Moon in the man's chart and the Moon in the 
woman's chart harmonious or inharmonious?

If one of the two candidates appears destined to have a short life-span, the 
astrologer will, of course, not recommend the match. And if planetary 
afflictions to certain houses in the horoscope indicate unhappy married life, 
loss of marriage partner or divorce-proneness, the astrologer will recommend 
the match only, if the second candidate has similar defects in his or her 
horoscope. In other words, Indian astrologers try to match a man with bad 
marriage karma with a woman with similarly unlucky destiny. Here is a relevant 
quote from Parashara Hora Shastra, India's most famous astrology book: 

    "A woman loses her husband, if Mars is in the houses 12,4,7, or 8 from the 
Ascendant unaspected by or unassociated with any benefic planet. The planetary 
configuration which causes a woman to lose her husband also causes a man to 
lose his wife. If a man and a woman possessing this planetary combination join 
in wedlock, it ceases to have any effect." 

People's lives are powerfully affected by the karma of their relatives. For 
example, if your child or your spouse is lucky in terms of wealth, you will 
naturally be benefited, too, and if they are destined to be poor or sickly, 
you will share in their suffering. Indian astrology even maintains that your 
spouse's destiny can shorten or prolong your life-span. According to Parashara 
"a man with indications of short life will get his longevity prolonged by 
marrying a woman with auspicious marks," while living with a spouse whose 
chart indicates a short life will negatively affect your health and vitality. 
This brings us to an important point: No matter how well-matched your 
partnership is, you can only experience as much happiness in married life as 
your karma allows. Or in other words, you may be destined to experience a 
certain measure of misery in marriage and the Indian horoscope is supposed to 
indicate to what extent.  

In Indian astrology, whether or not you and your partner are a good match is 
assessed by comparing the placement of the Moon in the man's chart with that 
of the woman's chart and the result is represented by points. The maximum 
score is 36 points and if a match scores 18 or more points, an Indian 
astrologer will generally say "you can go ahead with the marriage". It should 
be noted, that this method is somewhat crude, because it does not really 
provide detailed information about a particular relationship, and - above all 
- this method is not absolutely reliable. For instance, I know of a match 
which scored 28 points but the couple ended up divorced anyway, while in other 
cases couples with less than 18 points still had a fairly good and lasting 
marriage. One reason for this seems to be that the traditional Indian method 
of match making takes into account only the Moon, but ignores the other 
planets. The Moon's placement and juxtaposition are highly important, no 
doubt, but the relative positions of the other planets - the Sun, Venus, Mars 
etc. - can also make or break a relationship. And here lies the main 
difference between Indian and Western method: Westerners consider all the 
planets and try to get a detailed understanding of the psychology and 
behavioural patterns of the two candidates on all levels - physical, 
intellectual, emotional, sexual and spiritual, while Indians compare mainly 
the two Moons. 

Here is how the western method works: If Mercury in one horoscope is not 
harmoniously related to Mercury in the other, the two persons involved are 
likely to have a different style of self-expression and communication will not 
flow smoothly. If Mars in one horoscope is inharmoniously related to Mars in 
the other, the man and the woman involved may be very different in their 
initiative, courage and assertiveness. If Venus in one horoscope is in 
difficult aspect to Venus in the other, their attitudes to love and romance 
may be incompatible. By comparing all the planets in this way, a western 
astrologer can derive a good deal of information about the strong and the weak 
points of a relationship on different levels, but even then it may not always 
be possible to clearly say whether or not a match is really good. Personally, 
I believe that both the Indian system and the Western method have their own 
merits and can complement each other. In other words, an astrologer who knows 
both systems is at an advantage, as he can fall back upon a set of data 
revealing the destiny and another set revealing the psychology of the client. 

I believe that in previous times there was less of a need to apply time 
consuming and meticulous methods of assessing compatibility because all 
societies, both western and Indian had built in security valves which made 
marriages more stable. In India, the traditional method of comparing the two 
Moons was apparently quite sufficient to safeguard the stability of a match 
(there are still very few divorces in Hindu society) for the following 
reasons:
 
1)  People - particularly women - were very much committed to their 
life-partner and the thought of divorce never crossed their mind, even if 
their married life was somewhat unhappy. Because girls did not have 
relationships before marriage, they were more faithful and attached to their 
husband. Statistics show that there is a correlation between change of 
partners before marriage and predisposition to divorce after marriage. Most 
modern girls engage in whimsical premarital relationships and are, therefore, 
quick to break the marriage tie as soon as there is a slight disturbance 
(apparently almost 90 % of all divorces in the western world are initiated by 
the female partner).

2)  Formerly marriages were arranged by the parents who invariably matched 
their children with a partner of the same caste, race and religion. This in 
and of itself guaranteed a fairly high degree of basic compatibility because 
it meant that marriage partners were somewhat similar in education, 
religiosity and social status (both from a rich family, both from a poor 
family, both educated, both uneducated, both from a religious or from a 
materialistic family etc.). 

3)  Women were trained to be submissive and respectful towards their husband 
which contributed a great deal to the stability of marriages.

Today so-called permissiveness, serialization and the women's liberation 
movement have completely changed the face of the world. Nowadays black people 
marry white people, Russians marry Americans, Catholics marry Jews, rich 
people marry poor people, intellectuals marry uneducated spouses etc. One out 
of three marriages ends in divorce. Millions of children grow up in a family 
different of the one of their origin. Bereft of a good example of parental 
love and fidelity, modern youths live by the example and standards set by 
different role models: At the age of 14, an average European youth has already 
witnessed 14 000 scenes of sex or crime in movies or tv. The modern role 
models are not one's religious parents but sex-ridden movie stars, stoned rock 
singers or money-grubbing athletes. Both men and women have become very 
self-centered and are mainly interested in sexual enjoyment. Their concern is 
instant gratification, not the fate of future generations. Men are 
irresponsible and rough while women are independent-minded and belligerent. 
Their spirit is "Why should we serve you - you serve us!" thus enflaming the 
proverbial battle of the sexes. Even people who join the Krishna consciousness 
movement are still influenced by what they have seen and learned in 
materialistic society. 

Under the circumstances, having a harmonious relationship has become a very 
difficult task indeed and the mere fact that two persons are declared 
compatible according to the rules of astrology does not necessarily guarantee 
that their union will be fruitful and long lasting. The point I am trying to 
make is: It is very important to check compatibility before getting married, 
and if it is high it is definitely a point in favour of a particular match, 
but selecting a compatible life-partner is only half of the process of 
building a stable and rewarding marriage. The other half is a life-long 
endeavour which requires both know-how and dedication: Men have to understand 
the heart of a woman and learn to act in such away that their wives feel loved 
and protected. Women have to learn the art of becoming devoted wives and 
mothers, and learn to act in such a way that their men are happy and inspired. 
Both sexes have to learn how to make the small sacrifices that keep a marriage 
alive and healthy. This is the subject matter of a separate book and cannot be 
dealt with in this essay. For now, we will only concentrate on what you should 
or should not do when selecting a lifetime mate.

To select a lifetime mate, make a list of the qualities you expect your ideal 
partner to possess

You can avoid a lifetime of struggling and fighting, trying to turn the wrong 
person into the right partner, by picking the right person in the first place. 
To be able to do so you need to have a clear vision of the qualities your 
lifetime companion should possess. There is a tested technique which has 
helped many people identify their needs and desires and ultimately find their 
soul-mate: Write down the qualities you want your lifetime mate to possess. 
Make a detailed list of the things you expect from your partner and your 
marriage. Be as specific as possible and take as much time as you need (you 
don't have to complete your list at one sitting). Then look for a man or woman 
who has most of those qualities. Try to find a partner who likes the things 
you like, who already has what it takes to please you and whose basic nature, 
natural tendencies, expectations and habits are similar to your needs and 
standards. If you meet a man or woman who could suit your vision of your ideal 
mate, have them make a similar list and then read each other's lists. Ask 
yourself if you can honestly agree to fulfill the majority of the needs and 
expectations on his or her list. If you cannot, do not marry that man or 
woman.

Some people say that making a list of the qualities of your dream mate will 
attract that person into your life. Actually, if you think about it, making a 
list like this is nothing but trying to visualize your ideal partner and 
formulating a prayer. What you are really saying is: "My dear Lord, these are 
the attributes I would consider ideal in a mate; if you so desire, please send 
me a person with these qualities."

Realize that there is no perfect dream mate who can fulfill you completely in 
every way

When looking for a compatible life-partner or contemplating the qualities that 
your dream mate should have, you should not set your standards too high. You 
have to be realistic and keep in mind who you are and what you have to offer. 
If you are an average looking person - perhaps you are somewhat short or fat 
or wear glasses - and you are neither very educated nor from a special family, 
you cannot expect that you will get a mate who is not only super-attractive 
and educated, but also rich and aristocratic. Or, if you are a forty five year 
old divorcee with two children, a receding hair line and a protruding belly, 
the pool of partners from which you can choose is limited. 

If you are intelligent, you will realize in the very first place that there is 
no such thing as a perfect mate and that it is nave to wait for one to come 
by. Some people are so picky or set their expectations so high that no man or 
woman on earth can possibly live up to them. Very often the qualities we think 
our partner should possess are not required for having a successful 
relationship.

Especially members of the fair sex are prone to believe in the myth that 
somewhere out there in the world is the perfect soul mate and this and only 
this person can make them happy. First of all, there is more than one 
potential partner you could be reasonably happy with - each experience would 
simply be different. And secondly, if you suspiciously compare any potential 
candidate to your fantasy picture of "the one" you may deprive yourself of 
experiencing a fulfilling relationship with someone who may not have a perfect 
body or a prestigious position but has most of what it takes to please you. 

It is a great mistake to think that a relationship can only work when 
everything is perfect, that is, when there is no conflict, no differences and 
nothing whatsoever about your partner you don't like. Where does this false 
notion come from? Perhaps from watching television and movies or from reading 
romantic novels. Believing in this myth is very dangerous because it can cause 
you to reject a perfectly good proposal or end a perfectly good relationship. 
The reality is that no one in this world can ever be free of all flaws, 
including yourself. Therefore, no one can ever fulfill all your expectations. 
Do not uselessly hope that you will one day find a prince or knight in shining 
armour who will fulfill your every need and desire, know at all times what you 
want, have all answers ready whenever you have a problem and will be so 
cheerful and entertaining that your life will be a never ending ball. A 
compatible partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them. 

Are you ready for an intimate relationship?

Whoever is considering to get married should ask this important question. 
There are times in our lives when we are ready to become involved with another 
person, and times when it is better to remain alone. If you feel consistently 
frustrated, empty, unhappy, confused, not confident etc. before marriage, you 
are likely to be so after marriage. The idea that once you are married your 
partner will solve all of your problems and remove all misery from your life 
is nothing but a fantasy. If you have serious or extreme emotional problems, 
it is unfair to expect your mate to deal with them. Your relationship will not 
work out, not because the two of you are not compatible, but because you are 
emotionally so empty, miserable or "screwed up". You may need some time away 
from a relationship to heal whatever is preventing you from reciprocating love 
and intimacy. It may be time to go on a "relationship fast", if:

1)  You have not recovered sufficiently from a previous relationship (you may 
still be attached to an ex-partner or you still carry tremendous resentment 
toward an ex-partner)

2)  Your self-esteem is so low that you cannot possibly love another person 
(you may dislike yourself or feel no one would want to be in a relationship 
with you because you have very little that is valuable to offer a mate)

3)  You feel so empty or needy inside that you find it almost impossible to 
feel any emotions (you may be unable or unwilling to talk about your feelings 
or you may be so lonely, desperate and miserable that you have nothing to 
offer except your extreme neediness)

4)  You have an addiction - to drugs, alcohol, sex or gambling - that you are 
not dealing with. 

This last point, of course, does not apply to devotees, but is the cause of 
many, many break ups in material society.
 	
The girl should not be much more qualified than the boy, otherwise there will 
be bitterness
 
This is an important principle conducive to stable and happy married life: 
Husband and wife should be more or less equally qualified. In India this 
principle has been common knowledge since time immemorial and to this very 
day, Hindus follow it in three ways: 1) Indian parents usually sanction a 
match only, if the bride is younger than the bridegroom 2) Men of lower castes 
are not allowed to marry a woman of a higher caste. 3) Girls from wealthy 
families are never married to boys from a poor family. In his famous book on 
astrology, Hora Shastra, sage Parashara explains:

    "The relationship between a master and a servant or a man and a woman will 
be affectionate and stable, if they possess the same attributes. If the 
qualities of the two parties are not on an equal level, one should make sure 
that the bridegroom's qualities are superior to the wife's, otherwise there 
will be bitterness. If the bridegroom has better attributes than the bride and 
the master has better attributes than the servant, there will be mutual 
affection, regard for each other and happiness. Even in relationships between 
adhama (the lowest or shudra) and udasina (neutral or vaishya), udasina and 
madhyama (intermediate or kshatriya), and madhyama with uttama (excellent or 
brahmana) there will be mutual affection and happiness."

In other words, if a man and woman are to be happy with each other, they 
should be more or less equally qualified or, if this is not the case, the 
husband should be more intelligent, more mature, more spiritually advanced or 
more competent than the wife. What is the rationale behind this principle? It 
is well known that all men have inborn pride in their masculine strength, 
skills and achievements. A man always wants his wife to look up to him as 
capable and strong and if she does, he becomes very satisfied, inspired and 
proud. This pride is very sensitive. Men cannot stand it when women excel 
them, belittle them, ridicule them or treat them with indifference. If a woman 
is significantly more qualified or competent than her husband and excels him 
materially or spiritually, his masculine ego is hurt and he responds with 
harshness and irritation. Some men become increasingly insecure and dejected 
while others start acting cold and withdraw into their shell in order to be 
protected from further humiliation. In any case, neither the man nor his wife 
will be happy. He will be frustrated, because his male need for constant 
admiration is not fulfilled and the wife will not be happy because she wants 
her man to be superior to herself so she can depend on him for care and 
protection. If a wife is consistently defeating her husband on his own ground 
and feels that she is better or more intelligent than he, she may end up 
loosing respect. In the extreme, a man who cannot tolerate the feeling of 
being inferior to his wife may try to beat her into submission, while a 
dissatisfied wife may develop contempt and turn to another man. Seen in this 
light, the vedic injunction that a higher caste woman must never marry a lower 
caste man turns out to be a very wise principle indeed! 

The keyword here is respect. It is common and normal that a wife surpasses her 
husband in some ways, while the husband will excel her in other ways. A 
problem arises only, when the wife is so much more qualified that she cannot 
respect her husband at all. I know of some couples where the wife excels the 
husband in significant ways and is evidently the boss in the family, but 
because the husband has a soft and submissive nature, he does not mind to be 
under his wife's control. In fact, he likes it and so does the wife! In other 
words, this arrangement is not problematic, if both partners are comfortable 
with it. 

For a good marriage you need mutual attraction, compatibility and commitment

This is the most important general principle of match making. If you and your 
partner are to build a really healthy and stable relationship, your marriage 
should contain these three elements. There has to be mutual attraction, there 
has to be a good measure of compatibility (physically, emotionally, 
intellectually and spiritually) and there has to be commitment. If any of 
these building-blocks are missing, your married life may be rocky or, in the 
extreme, may not last. 

Being in love is not enough. You and your mate may be very much attracted to 
each other, but if you are incompatible in the majority of areas, you will not 
be able to create a consistently harmonious and enjoyable partnership. In 
fact, ultimately you will cause each other more misery than happiness and this 
misery will visit you in the form of quarreling and constant tension. If 
husband and wife are too different, they cannot agree on anything. Whenever he 
wants something, she does not want and whenever she wants something, he does 
not want. In this way there is no peace and no harmony, and if there is, it 
can never last long. If a relationship does not work, it is usually not 
because the husband or the wife do not love each other; it does not work 
because one of the two has serious character flaws or because they are too 
different. Some people believe that the fact that they are intensely attracted 
to their partner will enable them to overcome all external difficulties and 
personality differences. They think: "I love my partner and therefore the 
differences will not matter. If I try extra hard and love him (or her) enough, 
he will become the person I want him to be. The differences or the harmful 
behaviour (e.g. is undependable, has a terrible temper, is constantly nagging, 
is emotionally cold etc.) will disappear and he (or she) will become the 
affectionate person I want him to be. However, this is a great myth. You will 
not be able to change your partner's basic nature and so-called love is not 
enough to make a relationship work. Mutual love is the foundation for a good 
marriage, but if a relationship is going to survive and grow, it needs 
compatibility and it needs commitment. Differences do matter - sometimes just 
enough to make your relationship spicy, but often enough to make it 
unfulfilling and miserable.  

If there is no love whatsoever, you will have a problem, too. Husband and wife 
may have many things in common, but if they are not attracted to each other at 
all, their marriage may not last. One day they may meet someone who they are 
really attracted to, fall in love and leave their marriage partner. And as far 
as commitment is concerned: If your partner is incapable of being committed, 
he or she may whimsically break the marital bond even though the match is 
perfectly good. Of these three components, commitment is most essential for 
keeping the marital ties intact. By commitment, a marriage relationship can be 
maintained even if there is neither attraction nor compatibility. This is the 
type of marriage where husband and wife remain together out of duty - for the 
sake of the children or for fear of social stigma. Such a relationship, of 
course, is less satisfying. If you are considering to get married and you do 
not want a marriage which can only be kept from falling apart by developing a 
high degree of tolerance for pain, you or your guardians have to carefully 
examine the following questions: 

1)  Are we mutually attracted to each other?  

2)  Are we compatible in the majority of areas?

3)  Are we both capable of commitment and free of serious character flaws?  

Finding clear answers to these questions is sometimes tricky and may take 
considerable time - sometimes months. In fact, you may realize that you are 
unable to arrive at a definitive conclusion on your own and this is when 
astrology can be helpful.  
 
If there is no attraction whatsoever, your marriage may not work out

Mutual attraction ("love", "chemistry") is an essential element of a 
compatible relationship. This is really a common sense point, but one that is 
sometimes forgotten in societies where marriages are arranged. Indian sages 
were aware of this principle even centuries ago; they stated: manonukulam 
prathamam prashastam - the first consideration in assessing marriage 
compatibility is whether the boy and the girl like each other. If the 
attraction between a man and a woman is only one sided, the relationship is 
out of balance and does not work. The partner who is much more attached will 
end up miserable, for you cannot be happy, if you constantly reach out for 
your partner's affection, but he or she never reciprocates. And people who get 
involved with someone in spite of complete lack of attraction make themselves 
prone to marital infidelity. After hurting their partners for weeks, months or 
years by constantly neglecting or rejecting them, they may one day find 
themselves intensely attracted to someone else and get involved in an affair. 
Unfortunately, we have seen examples of this in the Krishna consciousness 
movement. So, it is generally not wise to marry someone you are not at all 
attracted to. This point is not emphasized in a spiritual society like ISKCON, 
because the attachment between marriage partners tends to act as a distraction 
from spiritual life. Materially speaking, however, sincere attachment between 
husband and wife is very good, because this love will act as a strong glue to 
keep them together even when the times are harder. 

Attraction which develops gradually can be more genuine than instant 
attraction

It is a great mistake to judge a person to hastily as "not right for you", 
simply because you are not wildly attracted to them at first sight. As you get 
to know someone more intimately, deep mental and emotional resonance with one 
another may gradually reveal itself and this may spark physical attraction as 
well. Most people think that a relationship can only be good, if it starts off 
with an exciting love-at-first-sight-experience. They believe that the first 
meeting with their dream mate has to be so intense that they will be "swept 
off their feet and knocked down again". Only then can it be "true love". 
Especially women secretly dream about the enchanted moment when they look into 
someone's eyes and know instantly and without a doubt that this is their 
lifelong soul mate. They equate love with intense emotions, drama, fear of 
loss and abandonment and extreme highs and lows and if a relationship does not 
contain these elements they think it is too peaceful to be good. 

However, when you experience powerful chemistry with someone at first sight, 
you are experiencing physical passion, not love, and you may be about to get 
involved with someone you are not compatible with. To recognize and build true 
love takes time. A first impression of someone is not enough to determine 
whether he or she will be a healthy and compatible partner. You need time to 
discover their real character, not just their exterior. So, do not 
categorically reject a proposal just because you do not feel 
lust-at-first-sight. Be a little patient, as you may discover true mental and 
emotional harmony between you and a person, even if she or he does not look 
gorgeous to you in the beginning. 

But giving attraction some time to develop does not mean that you should get 
married to someone whose looks you absolutely dislike. If you and your partner 
don't feel any attraction whatsoever even after associating repeatedly, you 
are unlikely to develop such feelings over time. I know of several marriages 
which broke because there was either no attraction at all or attraction was 
only one-sided. For instance, a particular husband was neither interested nor 
able to beget a child because he was not attracted to his wife at all and even 
after eight years of marriage his feelings did not change. When his wife 
finally found out that her husband never even liked her, she took shelter of 
some other man. This marriage had been arranged by the temple president even 
though both candidates voiced doubts and unwillingness. The conclusion is that 
temple presidents or parents should never arrange a marriage, if one or both 
of the parties display unwillingness or aversion. This may be possible in rare 
cases in a culture where children are highly disciplined, dutiful and 
dedicated to their parents, but the general rule is: For a marriage to be 
satisfying there has to be at least some degree of "chemistry".

Beware of lust-blindness: Intense physical attraction can cause you to assign 
much more depth to a relationship than there actually is

To get involved with someone based on physical attraction alone can be just as 
dangerous: If you choose a spouse simply because you are powerfully attracted 
by his or her good looks, you may one day wake up to the fact that you have 
chosen a partner who you have nothing in common with, cannot respect or do not 
even like. Intoxicated by the intense (sexual) chemistry between you and 
another person you may assign more depth to the bond than there actually is. 
You may build a fantasy relationship in your head, dreaming about how nice 
life with this person would be, all the while ignoring reality. Someone who 
seemed to be so perfect and wonderful in terms of looks may have certain 
character flaws that make living with them peacefully almost impossible (more 
details about this later). The first few days may be wonderful, but after a 
little while you may discover that you argue about everything or dislike so 
many things about each other. And what is the use of being wildly attracted by 
someone's good looks, if you can never feel peaceful or comfortable in their 
company? A man and a woman may be head over heels in love, but if they are 
totally different in temperament, attitudes and life-style, they cannot agree 
on anything and irritate each other constantly. So, beware of lust-blindness. 

If you meet someone, fall madly in love and marry just weeks later, you are 
taking a big risk, because you don't know what you are getting into. Sometimes 
marriages that start out that way last, but only if the lovers are compatible 
in other areas as well. For a good marriage you need total compatibility, that 
is you need not only physical attraction, but also mental, emotional and 
spiritual resonance. You need both attraction and compatibility. The vast 
majority of married couples who end up divorced did "love" their spouse 
initially, but later on the differences in outlook, interests and habits or a 
particular character flaw created so much tension, frustration and bitterness 
that the so-called love vanished and the two parties agreed to separate.  

To be compatible means to be similar in the majority of areas

A love relationship can only be harmonious and healthy and stand the test of 
time, if the man and the woman who are in love are compatible. To be 
compatible means to share a good measure of interests, beliefs, tastes and 
values. In other words, to be compatible means to be similar or alike in most 
ways. This does not mean that two partners have to agree on everything or have 
to have gone through all the same experiences, but there is a point beyond 
which too many differences create too much tension, and make a harmonious 
relationship impossible. No two people are completely alike and therefore no 
couple is 100 % compatible, but the more you are alike physically, 
emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, the better you will get along and 
the more fulfilled you will feel. Even in a partnership with 80 % or more 
compatibility there will be one or two problem areas where you and your 
partner think or act very differently and these will be the issues, you will 
fight about the most. These differences can add spice to the relationship and 
provide opportunities for growth (someone who is highly active may learn from 
his more slow, quiet and introspective spouse how to be more thoughtful and 
sensitive; the cautious partner, on the other hand, may need to learn how to 
be more expressive, act decisively and take more risks). But with three or 
four major areas of conflict in a relationship, you will not be learning from 
each other any more - you will be fighting constantly! 

In a truly compatible relationship the partners think, feel and act similarly 
in the majority of areas while still maintaining a certain degree of 
individuality. For couples who remain together a lifetime their two spheres of 
individuality will, over the years, merge more and more into one. Compatible 
partners tend to become more and more similar in outlook, interests and 
life-style as age advances. Many of them even begin to look similar!  

Some revealing statistical facts about compatibility

Long-term studies show that human beings feel most comfortable with a 
life-partner of the same race and religion who is more or less their equal in 
terms of attractiveness and education. In other words, in your dreams you may 
fantasize about getting married to a man or woman of ravishing beauty, but in 
actual life you will be happier with someone who is more or less as 
good-looking as yourself. Statistically, the risk of divorce increases in 
direct proportion to differences in age, ethnic background, religious and 
political conviction, intelligence quotient, social status, vocation and 
hobbies. The most frequently divorced marriages are those of inter-religious 
couples. The divorce rate of teenage couples (younger than 20) is twice as 
high as that of other couples. 

On physical compatibility

There is a simple, but fairly reliable rule of thumb how to tell whether two 
people are a good match: If a man and a woman look similar both in terms of 
attractiveness and physical stature, there is a good chance that they are 
compatible. This may sound somewhat simplistic, but actually it is not. 
Ayurvedic wisdom teaches that individuals of like constitution make better 
mates because they have similar feelings and attitudes as well as the same 
inherent sexual proclivities. Two constitutionally similar individuals 
intuitively understand the likes and dislikes of their partner, because the 
same forces motivate them. This goes as far as liking the same foodstuffs! 

So the first way of assessing compatibility is to compare the physical build: 
Ideally a lean and fragile person (vata or airy constitution) should marry 
another lean person. Someone who is hot-blooded and of medium build (pitta or 
fiery constitution) should marry another fiery person and people of heavy 
build and robust constitution (kapha or earthy constitution) should marry 
someone who is similarly bulky. Unfortunately, people do not always fall in 
such clear cut categories, and judging compatibility is, therefore, not that 
simple (many people are a mixtures - of pitta and vata, of kapha and vata or 
of kapha, pitta and vata). In any case, the principle is: Slight differences 
can act complementary, but, on the whole, the rule is that the more similar 
two individuals are the better it is. 

There is a certain drawback with marrying an individual of the same physical 
constitution: People of like disposition have like defects and tend to 
reinforce each other's constitutional weaknesses. Vatas are prone to be 
fearful, nervous and spaced-out, Pittas can be overbearing and short-tempered 
and Kaphas can be dull and lethargic. If two spaced-out and chaotic Vatas live 
together, they can turn their household into a big mess; two hot-headed Pittas 
will be prone to tear out each others hair and two slow Kaphas may live 
together for years with little or no interaction. In other words, marrying a 
constitutionally similar individual can create another set of problems, 
however, this is easier to endure than the stress and strain inherent in a 
pairing of two people whose constitutions differ radically. In other words, 
"opposites attract", as the saying goes, but when it comes to long-term 
compatibility we should give more importance to "birds of a feather flock 
together".    

On sexual compatibility	

This aspect of married life is not given much attention in Krishna 
consciousness, because devotees strive to overcome sex desire and, as far as 
possible, avoid talks about sexual subject matters. Nevertheless, it is an 
indisputable fact that sexual incompatibility can trigger quarrels and tension 
and sometimes leads to divorce even in devotee marriages. Repeated physical 
and emotional frustration causes resentment, and can escalate in depression or 
neurotic behaviour - sometimes to the point of violence! No matter how much 
you initially liked your spouse, it will be hard to ignore the problems caused 
by sexual incompatibility (unless, of course, you do not want children and are 
genuinely detached from sex desire). In the Indian system of astrology, 
yoni-kuta or sexual compatibility, is one of ten standard categories to be 
examined. Western astrologers also have their own techniques for trying to 
assess this aspect of married life. Experience shows that there are four kinds 
of sexual incompatibility:

1)  Some people's bodies do not fit together at all. Their genital organs may 
be so mismatched that intercourse becomes painful and frustrating.

2)  Some people are so different in their sexual urges that their desire for 
sexual contact never coincides. 

3)  Marriage partners who are completely different in their "emotional 
temperament" may be incompatible in their "sexual temperament" or style as 
well (e.g. one partner may be romantic and sensitive while the other may be 
passionate or even aggressive). 

4)  Your partner may be sexually dysfunctional (impotent or frigid). 

Here again the principle is: Someone with a strong sexual urge should be 
matched with a partner who is similarly inclined, while someone who is 
naturally dispassionate should marry a spouse who is also detached.

On mental or intellectual compatibility

If husband and wife are intellectually incompatible they will have a hard time 
communicating. Their talks may be boring or they may not understand each 
other. Every man wants his wife to share in his problems and worries and 
perhaps hear her advice, but if she is uneducated and knows nothing about his 
affairs, she cannot be an equal partner. In the extreme, the husband may feel 
ashamed of his wife or begin to hold her in contempt. Or, he will neglect her 
and seek satisfaction and mental stimulation in the association of friends and 
peers. The wife, for her part, may develop an inferiority complex and reproach 
herself for being unintelligent and having nothing to offer.  

A few years ago, a frustrated husband revealed to me how weary he was of his 
marriage because his wife was impossible to talk to. He said: "Me and my wife, 
we can only talk on a very superficial level - `how was your day' or `how much 
money do you need'. Once I mentioned Ronald Reagan, but she did not even know 
who he was. This is her level of education. During 14 years of marriage, we 
have not talked once as intimately as you and I are talking now. The only time 
when our conversations get a little deeper is when we have a big fight. Lately 
I have had too many problems and my wife simply does not understand, when I 
tell her about them. In fact, it simply makes her nervous. Talking with her 
drains me of my energy." He then imitated her mechanical way of talking and 
how she was asking one question after another as if she were "hooked to a 
computer chip". 

Some time later this man left his wife for another woman. In this 
relationship, intellectual incompatibility was a serious problem, though not 
the only one. In addition, the wife had severe emotional problems caused by 
traumatic childhood experiences and was, therefore, unable to give her husband 
the intimacy and mental exchange he wanted. In any case, different educational 
backgrounds can create serious problems. If you are well educated and well 
bred and your partner is from a simple family and never graduated from any 
higher school, you may have a hard time finding anything to talk about. You 
may be embarrassed by his or her lack of education and poor habits or your 
less educated partner may feel inferior and not accepted by you.

Make sure your potential mate does not dislike the things you are passionate 
about. Perhaps you are not a great scholar and, therefore, intellectual 
compatibility is less important to you. Or maybe you are really renounced and 
do not care much about whether or not you and your mate are physically 
compatible. Each one of us has certain values, interests, desires or goals in 
life which he considers more important than others. If there is 
incompatibility in one particular area which is highly important to you, the 
longevity of your relationship is in danger, even if your partnership is 
otherwise well-matched. 

Example: Your mate may be near to ideal for you in all respects but your 
partnership could still be sabotaged if you are a musician (pujari, book 
distributor etc.) and your partner takes no interest in music (puja, book 
distribution etc.) whatsoever. So if you are passionate about something, you 
have to figure out whether or not your partner will be supportive of your 
passion or will want you to give up the thing that means a great deal to you. 

Don't be deceived by partial compatibility

The fact that two people share a common interest or service can be the basis 
for a lasting relationship, but it can also be deceiving. Two people who feel 
exactly the same way about a shared passion or activity may have completely 
different values and beliefs when it comes to other areas. If this is the 
case, you and your partner are partially compatible. So, if you are attracted 
to someone and both of you love music or cooking or both of you work on the 
same project, you have to ask yourself: How much do I really know about this 
person aside from his or her area of partial compatibility. Does this person 
really meet my needs and requirements for a partner or do we simply both love 
music, deity worship, distributing books etc. and that is it?

If you are just partially compatible, you will find yourself in a dilemma. 
Being very compatible in one area and very incompatible in others will leave 
you confused and torn whether your relationship is right for you. Sometimes 
you will focus on the one good thing you share together and at other times you 
may contemplate ending the relationship because there is so much conflict and 
discomfort. You get some of the things you want, but at the same time you do 
not feel fulfilled. This is probably not what you have been looking for. So, 
don't be deceived by partial compatibility into choosing a partner who is not 
good for you.

Character flaws that can destroy a relationship 

Certain shortcomings in a person can destroy a relationship or marriage, even 
if the two partners are compatible. If someone has one or more of the 
destructive traits listed below it does not necessarily mean that he is 
incapable of having a relationship, but there will be serious problems that 
can make living with them very difficult. The character flaws mentioned below 
often stem from painful events or traumas experienced in childhood. If someone 
is aware of these shortcomings and is actively working to repair them, there 
is a chance that he will ultimately overcome them. If not, they can be fatal 
to the longevity of his relationship. Here is a list of the most important 
"fatal flaws". Your partner may be "divorce-prone" or incapable of having a 
normal and healthy relationship, if he or she is

1)  Undependable (cannot commit himself) or financially irresponsible (runs up 
debts). 

2)  Emotionally damaged from childhood (was abused or abandoned as a child). 

3)  Emotionally dead (incapable of communicating or of giving and receiving 
affection). 

4)  Consistently depressed or in bad moods (neurotic, complains a lot, always 
blames others). 

5)  Tyrannical or has a terrible temper (may be physically violent).

6)  Sexually dysfunctional (impotent, frigid) or sexually infidel (flirts, 
ogles).

7)  Addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex or gambling.

8)  Is still emotionally traumatized from a past relationship.

No doubt, these flaws are not usually found in the character of a spiritually 
healthy devotee, but many of us come from disturbed or fallen backgrounds and 
it has been seen that the above mentioned defects can harm devotee marriages 
as well. Actually, there is probably hardly anyone who does not have at least 
some traces of the above traits inside them. They become destructive to a 
relationship only, if they dominate our personality. If you meet someone who 
has one of the above problems, you don't have to be paranoid and run off. But 
you have to be alert and cautious and decide whether or not you are willing to 
deal with the particular shortcoming this person displays.  

Realize that a person's basic nature never changes

It is entirely up to you to decide what you consider acceptable in a mate. If 
you feel you can be happy with a scatter-brained scholar, a dispassionate 
ascetic or a short-tempered controller - fine. You can accept whatever you 
want to accept and others should not talk you out of your convictions, if your 
inner voice and knowledge about yourself tell you otherwise. But you cannot 
accept a man or a woman for the moment and expect to change them at a later 
date, for this never works. Your partner will have some qualities that are 
wonderful and some that are not so wonderful. This is just the way he or she 
is and you cannot change that. So, you better make sure that you can live with 
the qualities your partner displays now before making an unconditional 
commitment. 

Sometimes people do recognize certain shortcomings before marriage, but they 
foolishly persuade themselves that they will correct them or mold the 
partner's character to agree with their ideal concept. However, this is pure 
delusion. It is not possible to transform another individual's personality to 
conform to one's dreams. The other person may even agree to cooperate, but the 
result will generally be a perpetual strain that cannot be tolerated for long. 
A person just cannot be what he is not and in no time he will relapse to adopt 
behavior which is more consistent with his own nature. For example, a woman 
who is complaining about her husband's shyness may be trying all kinds of 
things to pull him out of his shell, but this is what she may get to hear: 
"This is the way I am. I want to make you happy, but I feel you are asking me 
to be someone I am not. I have always been low-key, and I really cannot 
change."

One cannot transform a person who is constitutionally introspective and 
low-key into a go-getter brimming with confidence and initiative. You cannot 
turn a simple person into a sophisticated intellectual and you cannot correct 
the nature of a chronic faultfinder or a habitual flirt. In short - one cannot 
make a silk purse out of a sow's ear! And there is empirical evidence to 
corroborate this fact: According to a long-term study of the American 
Institute of Aging, the basic outlook and personality of a person does not 
change after the age of 30. In other words, if you are an optimist when you 
are 30, you are likely to remain so even at the age of 60 and if you are 
morose and miserly, you will not turn friendly and generous in old age. This 
does not mean that human beings are incapable of learning and transformation. 
After all we do have intelligence and a free will and, consequently, can make 
up our mind to change. However, "change" usually means painstaking endeavour 
over long periods of time which results in small increments of learned 
behaviour. But even then "change" does not mean that one radically changes 
one's basic nature, rather one learns to minimize one's natural faults and 
maximizes one's natural good qualities.   

If you marry a partner in spite of who he or she is today, because you hope 
they will improve in the future or that you will "fix" them, you are likely to 
end up let down and bitter. They will probably not become what you expect them 
to be. So, make sure you begin a relationship with someone only, if you can 
accept, respect and love that person as he or she is today.

Do not ignore warning signs of potential problems

Once you get to know someone's attitudes and behaviour very well (which 
usually takes several months) you may discover things about them that you do 
not like or approve of. Are these just little problems, quirks and habits that 
you can tolerate or laugh off? Or are the disturbing qualities and behaviours 
too numerous and add up to a fundamental difference in temperament, outlook or 
life-style? Be realistic and honest when you answer this question as the 
future of your relationship depends on it. It is better to face the reality 
now than being hit with it some years down the line. 

If you notice something about your partner that is disturbing, do not ignore 
it, for it can be a warning sign of a characteristic or behaviour that will 
eventually develop into a serious problem. All problems that a couple will 
experience in their relationship can be spotted in seed form in the very 
beginning. When you see a flaw in a potential partner you don't have to be 
paranoid, because you won't meet anyone who is free from all flaws. The 
question you have to ask yourself is: Is this disturbing quality something 
that I am willing to deal with or is this warning me about something that I 
cannot tolerate (the person is a cheater, is violent, emotionally screwed up 
etc.)? If you are really disturbed by something about your partner or do not 
trust his or her integrity, honesty and reliability, you should not get 
married anyway. It is a great misconception to think that when you finally get 
married, things will get better, because they won't. Whatever problems you had 
before marriage will be even more disturbing afterward. If your relationship 
was wonderful, it may remain so after marriage, but if it was turbulent, 
marriage will make it even rockier.

Do not commit yourself unconditionally until you know a person very well

To understand a person's real inside beyond their outer shell takes 
considerable time - usually several months. This is why you should not commit 
yourself unconditionally to marrying someone before you know him or her very 
well. You cannot possibly see the more hidden aspects of someone's 
personality, if you have only talked to them once, twice or even five times. 
It is easy to be on one's best behaviour during the first few conversations, 
but how will he or she act when they are tired, angry, frustrated or grumpy? 
Is your partner a person of integrity and character? Is your potential 
life-partner capable of being faithful and dependable or is he or she 
afflicted by destructive flaws? Do not get seriously involved with someone 
unless and until you have found out as much as you can about that person's 
basic nature, interests, attitudes and expectations. Can you give this person 
what he or she wants without having to change your own nature or violating 
your own standards? Remember, you are about to make one of the most important 
decisions you will ever make. Take as much time as you need to decide whether 
or not a man or a woman can fit into your vision of a committed marriage 
relationship without changing his or her basic nature.    

Ask enough questions and carefully observe your potential partner's behaviour

To understand who a person really is beyond his or her physique, carefully 
observe their behaviour and ask many questions. The more information you have 
about your potential spouse the better you will be able to judge whether or 
not this person's outlook and temperament fit yours. If the person is a 
divorcee or has had relationships before meeting you, ask questions about past 
relationships, reasons for break ups and lessons learned from these 
experiences. Ask about their attitudes about marriage, children, sex and love, 
about their attitudes about spiritual life and about their personal goals. If 
it turns out that your attitudes and theirs are completely different, you are 
probably not compatible. Also ask about their family and the quality of their 
family relationships. Many of the qualities and behaviours we display - good 
or bad - are adopted from our parents. If you see that someone's parents are 
honest and emotionally healthy people, it is a point in his or her favour. But 
if the mother was a loose woman with several marriages or the father was an 
alcoholic who regularly beat up the mother and the kids, that person may not 
naturally make a good mate. 

So asking many questions is very important, but even more important than 
asking verbally may be carefully observing the things he or she does. Why? 
Because some persons do not reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings. 
Actions speak louder than words. So watch a person's actions to get an 
accurate picture of their general make up. How do they treat you under various 
circumstances? How do they treat others? If your prospective spouse hates to 
see his own parents and does not want to talk to them, he may have a hard time 
being intimate. If your potential life-partner avoids discussing his past, he 
might be hiding something serious (perhaps he was molested as a child or had a 
problem with addiction). Frequent flirting or staring at others can indicate a 
potential cheater with whom you may never feel secure. Anger at past partners 
can indicate that you will be the next who gets the blame for all problems. 
Someone who is always very strong and in charge may turn out to be a veritable 
dictator etc.

These are extreme examples, no doubt, but they illustrate my point: Judge a 
person by how they act, not just by what they say! When observing your 
potential life-partner you may discover good or disturbing qualities, but when 
it comes to judging marriage suitability, ignorance is not bliss. It is better 
to face reality in the first place, because what you don't know will become 
obvious later on and it will definitely hurt you. It takes just a moment to 
become infatuated with someone's external appearance, but you need time to 
discover their character. Is he or she really your perfect partner? Maybe 
there is someone you are more compatible with?

If you are a woman, there are two questions you can ask to find out whether or 
not a man will make a good mate for you: 

1) Does this man have qualities I want my children to inherit? 

2) Do I trust this man enough to hand my life over to him and let him control 
me? 

Take as much time as you need to answer these questions and remember: It is 
better to put in enough effort now, or you may one day lament: How could I 
have been so blind and why did I not see how he or she was really like? Why 
did I make the wrong choice? 

Listen to your gut feeling and take the advice of friends and well-wishers

You should not get married unless you can believe with all your heart that you 
have made the right choice. If you consider getting married but are still 
afraid that you might change your mind later on, do not get married to that 
person anyway. Consult your friends and well-wishers and get married with 
their sanction only. Time and again, I have seen that the good or bad feeling 
of unbiased friends and relatives can be a reliable indicator of the 
suitability of a match. Especially women have very fine antennas when it comes 
to judging who makes a good mate for who. An acquaintance of mine (the mother 
of a devotee) who has been through two divorces told me once that her mother 
had warned her against marrying her first husband, but she went ahead anyway, 
because "they loved each other". Unfortunately the intuition of the mother 
turned out to be correct and the marriage failed.

Sometimes people instinctively recognize their soul mate. They immediately 
know: I like this person, I can respect him and I want to spend the rest of my 
life with him. They feel a connection that is more powerful than their doubts 
or fears and do not have to intellectually question or analyze whether or not 
this person's true nature and personality fits theirs. Their intuition tells 
them that this is the one and they trust their inner voice even if other 
people tell them otherwise. Because they already feel that oneness in their 
hearts, the state of marriage already exists between the two of them even 
before the wedding ceremony formalizes and consecrates the connection. 

External obstacles which can make having a lasting relationship difficult or 
impossible

We have talked about character flaws, internal shortcomings of a person which 
can negatively affect or destroy a marriage. There is also a set of external 
circumstances that can make having a lasting relationship difficult. The 
problems caused by these external obstacles can be even harder to deal with 
than character flaws which are internal and can be worked on. Barbara De 
Angelis, a well-known American therapist, calls these external obstacles 
"Compatibility Time Bombs". Compatibility time bombs are obstacles in the 
external world that, in most cases, cannot be changed or removed. The problems 
presented by a compatibility time bomb usually emerge over time rather than in 
the beginning of a relationship. Often two people who are attracted to each 
other are aware of the uncomfortable issue which could potentially be an 
insoluble problem but they don't pay attention to the matter or simply hope 
that their love will overcome the problem and make their relationship last. 
Unfortunately, ignoring reality does not solve the problem and the 
relationship may fail when the adverse circumstances "explode". If you 
recognize a potential problem in your relationship better pay close attention 
to the issue in the very beginning rather than ignoring it and hoping it just 
goes away. There is a general rule which applies to all compatibility time 
bombs: The more extreme the differences, the worse the explosion. Here is a 
list of the most important compatibility time bombs:

1)  Significant age difference

2)  Different religious background or beliefs

3)  Different ethnic background

4)  Different educational or social background

5)  One partner is not accepted by the family or the children of the other

6)  Long-distance relationships

7)  You are still attached to an ex-partner or an ex-partner is still attached 
to you

Significant age difference	
	
Significant age difference between partners can cause serious problems in 
relationships. Significant means ten or more years older or younger. The more 
dissimilar the maturity and experience level of two partners the greater the 
likelihood of conflicts. Sometimes relationships between people of very 
different ages work and both learn a lot from each other; in other cases there 
is so much consistent tension and unhappiness that ultimately staying together 
becomes impossible. Couples with this compatibility time bomb may not be aware 
of any potential problems in the beginning of the relationship, but once it 
settles into a routine they may discover that the age gap is posing a lot more 
problems than they ever expected it to.   

If you are the older partner you may become impatient with your mate's level 
of immaturity and lack of experience. You've learned to take charge of your 
life; you've realized it is not the end of the world when you go through a 
crisis and you have learned from your mistakes and know how to do things 
right. Watching your partner stumble through these life lessons can be quite 
exasperating when you are glad to have left them behind. As the older partner 
you have so many more years of life experience and you cannot help but advise, 
correct or give directions to your spouse. You may begin acting like a parent 
and treat your partner like a child. This can be destructive to the 
relationship. The younger partner may feel that you do not trust or respect 
him or her and may respond like a rebellious teenager: He or she may become 
resentful and pull away. In other cases the older partner may unwillingly find 
himself or herself playing the role of the parental figure and may desperately 
long to get out of it. If you are the younger partner you will expect your 
spouse to keep up with your youthful vigour, but your older mate may feel that 
your pace is too fast and may prefer a more mellow life-style. I have also 
heard that older partners can develop a problem with extreme jealousy, because 
they are constantly afraid that their younger mate could be attracted to peers 
(who is much younger and therefore more attractive).

Different religious background or beliefs

This is generally not a problem in Krishna conscious marriages, because 
devotees usually do not marry non-devotees. However, I know of some cases 
where an initiated devotee fell in love with and got married to someone who is 
not a Vaishnava. This can lead to a very difficult and muddled situation, 
because religious convictions hardly ever change over time. Spiritual beliefs 
and values may not have been the primary topic of discussion in the early 
stages of the relationship. You begin to notice the problems only when the 
relationship becomes more serious. Unfortunately, by then the feelings for one 
another may be so strong that it is very difficult to separate, even if you 
know it is inevitable. If you do get involved with someone who is not a 
Vaishnava, everything may be fine until the first holiday or special occasion 
comes and then suddenly the issues you've been unconsciously ignoring may be 
thrust into the limelight. Your partner may feel uncomfortable with your 
Vaishnava vows, traditions and attitudes, while you will not be able and 
willing to give up what you believe in. 

It is very tempting to downplay spiritual convictions when you suspect that 
standing by them might alienate your partner. However, don't give in to the 
temptation to be dishonest. It is better not to get involved with someone of a 
different faith. If you do, make a point of discussing how you want to bring 
up your children, celebrate holidays, and integrate spirituality into your 
life with your partner early in the relationship. The longer you wait, the 
more painful a possible realization of incompatibility will be.  

Different ethnic background

Depending on our ethnic background, upbringing and education, we all have a 
different set of values. Our values are our beliefs about what is good and 
bad, right and wrong. Your values determine your attitudes towards money, sex, 
gender roles, religion and also your habits and your life-style. For instance, 
if you were born in some eastern culture which is traditionally conservative, 
you may take it for granted that the husband is the man of the house and that 
his desires are more important than the wife's. You will expect women to work 
full-time, do all the housework and shop and cook, too. In western culture, 
however, women are brought up in a very different way and have a very 
different understanding of themselves. If a western woman marries a man from 
such a conservative culture, she is likely to end up very unhappy, because her 
husband is going to demand things from her that she cannot and does not want 
to do. So, if your background is radically different from your partner's, your 
married life can turn into a battleground. Whenever people from very different 
cultures or backgrounds get married, they are usually too far apart in their 
thinking and life-styles to live together harmoniously. 

Different social or educational background

We have already discussed how different educational backgrounds can pose a 
serious problem in a relationship. Here is an example how differences in 
social background can negatively affect harmony in married life: A young woman 
from a poor family gets married to the son of a rich businessman. The woman 
has been brought up by a single mother who worked in two jobs to maintain her 
four kids. Conditioned by her hard working mother, the woman believes that it 
is important to save money for the future and so she spends money only on 
practical things and things which are absolutely necessary. Her husband's 
upbringing has been completely different. His family is fairly rich and his 
motto is to enjoy the good things in life. He is financially somewhat reckless 
and likes to buy whatever he is attracted to. The result: Husband and wife do 
not understand each other's fiscal habits and constantly fight about money.

Your partner is not accepted by your family or your children

Parents do not always approve of their child's choice of marriage partner. To 
express their disapproval or to punish the unwanted spouse for "taking away 
their child" parents sometimes ignore their son's or daughter's marriage 
partner or treat them with great disrespect. Especially in countries like 
India where children are traditionally controlled by their parents, in-laws 
sometimes manage to create dissension in their child's marriage by complaining 
about the unwanted spouse or running them down as a bad person. Children of 
"vitriolic" in-laws can try to communicate to their parents that they expect 
them to treat their spouse with respect, courtesy and warmth and that 
criticizing or hurting their partner is the same as hurting them. This may or 
may not work. If your parents are dear to you and you intend to remain on 
friendly terms with them, it may be wise to marry a partner only if your 
parents approve of them.   

Sometimes stepchildren can make their new parent's life so miserable that the 
future of their father's or mother's second marriage is jeopardized. Already 
over half of all American children grow up in a step family, that is in a 
family different from their one of origin. And, as yet, the divorce rate is 
not going down - neither in America, nor in ISKCON. If you are a divorcee with 
children from your first marriage, you and your new partner may argue about 
your children. Your partner may feel that you are taking the children's side 
and not theirs. The children may display obnoxious behavior in order to scare 
the stepparent off so they can have their mother or father all to themselves, 
and maybe preserve the slim chance that their parents would get back together. 
Nasty stepchildren act rebellious because they feel let down by their parents, 
possibly rejected by the one who left and frightened of being hurt again. 
   
Long-distance relationships

A long-distance relationship is a relationship of a couple who are in love but 
cannot spend consistent time together, because their places of residence are 
too far apart. What is the problem with this arrangement (which is quite 
common in the age of globalization and busy international exchange)? A 
long-distance romance can cause you to think a relationship is much better 
than it is because you don't get to know each other intimately. Here is an 
example: During the yearly festival at Sridham Mayapur, a young devotee from 
Australia meets a gurukula girl from Europe. They are intensely attracted to 
each other and for the next ten days they go on walks, spend as much time 
together as possible and talk about everything under the sun, including 
getting married. Two weeks later both of them have to return to their 
respective countries and, for the time being, the relationship is continued by 
mail. Once a year the boy comes to Europe for a few days or the girl flies to 
Australia for 2 weeks or they meet again at next year's Mayapur festival. 
After going on for two or three years in this way, they finally decide to get 
married. What is the danger in this arrangement? You don't get to see your 
mate under pressure, in a crisis, when he is tired and cranky, when he is 
faced with fear or opposition, or when he is ill. All of these situations 
reveal a lot about someone's character. There are dimensions of people you 
experience only when you are with them on a consistent basis. 

Long-distance lovers often have an unrealistic view of their compatibility. 
They may have very little in common, but because they only have a few days 
with their partner, they treat it like a party or a vacation. However, when 
they finally move together, life is not a twenty-four-hour-a-day party 
anymore. It is a full time relationship and if you and your partner are not 
truly compatible, you will soon discover many things about your partner that 
annoy you, you will argue more and you will not be infatuated with your 
partner any longer. For a long-distance romance to evolve into a healthy, 
lasting relationship, both partners will eventually have to live in the same 
place. This is the only way to know if you are compatible.    

Your ex-spouse is unable to let go of you or you are unable to let go of your 
ex-spouse

Getting involved with someone who is still attached to his or her ex-spouse 
can cause you a lot of frustration. Until your partner makes a complete 
commitment to you, you will be miserable. Your partner is not emotionally 
available because he is still involved with his ex-spouse and he will be more 
concerned about his ex's feelings than about yours. If you are in an 
"emotional triangle", you should either leave or give your partner an 
ultimatum: Either he lets go and relinquishes his responsibility for his 
ex-spouse or else you will leave.

If you are involved with someone whose ex-spouse has never let go of them, you 
should know that a hysterical or depressed ex-spouse can destroy your new 
relationship. They can make your life miserable by barraging you and your 
partner with phone calls or constant visits, or making you feel guilty for 
abandoning them. They may also try to seduce your partner in an attempt to get 
him back, try to turn the children against him or threaten him with financial 
or other measures as a punishment. This may sound amusing and you may feel 
that these things happen only in movies, but actually they do happen in real 
life, too. If you are constantly harassed by your partner's ex-spouse, either 
your partner has not really broken off the relationship and has a hard time 
doing anything that would hurt them or their ex is really disturbed and 
obsessed with getting them back. 
 
Do not marry someone only because of external reasons (status, good looks or 
money) - see their internal qualities!

Some people start a relationship with someone only because they are infatuated 
with something external about their partner which has little to do with their 
true character: Their beautiful eyes, their smile, their broad shoulders, 
their gorgeous bosom etc. But beware: One special attractive quality a person 
has can cause you to imagine that he or she has all the qualities you desire 
in your ideal mate. Simply being fascinated by one element of someone's 
personality does not mean that he or she is your perfect life-partner. In this 
way you may get stuck with someone you really do not want to be with. If the 
blue eyes, the great voice or the prestigious position is the only quality 
which makes you think you are meant for each other, your relationship may not 
last long. After all, how much satisfaction can you derive from staring at 
your mate's blue eyes or how long can you be infatuated with his image as - 
say - the temple president, before you realize that you want and need more? 
Another point: If you are fascinated by someone's status, prestige, money or 
good looks, do not forget that all these things may and will change. If your 
husband loses his position or has a protruding belly some years down the line, 
will you still love and accept him? 

So, if you want to find a compatible partner, do not judge them only by their 
status, image or looks! Try to see who people really are, beyond their 
physique, and ask yourself whether you like this person's internal character, 
not just their material assets. A person who you consider "not for you" 
because he is not powerful, rich or reputed may be a potentially wonderful 
mate, while a "beauty queen" or a "good catch" with a fat purse or a 
prestigious position may make you very unhappy. Do not fall prey to material 
seduction. Do not place exaggerated value on the material benefits and 
prestige a man or woman can offer you. See their internal qualities.

Do not marry someone just because you feel sorry for them

You may get into an unhealthy relationship with someone you are not compatible 
with, if your partner has serious physical, financial or emotional problems 
and you feel compelled to help. If this is the case, you may mistake sympathy 
for love. You may not really get involved with this person because you love 
them or because the two of you are a good match, rather you do not want to 
feel guilty of abandoning them as they might end up helpless, unloved or 
alone. But this type of relationship is probably not going to make you happy. 
You may feel powerful and in control for the time being, but ultimately you 
may end up feeling overburdened or resentful. Again, it is entirely up to you 
what you consider acceptable in a mate, but people whose mates completely 
depend on their help sometimes end up resenting them. The key word here is 
respect. If you do not feel respect for your partner and cannot be proud of 
who he or she is, do not get involved with them. This type of relationship is 
unbalanced. A time may come when you want to be taken care of and your 
dependent mate cannot do that. Then you may resent them.

Do not choose a lifetime mate just because he or she will have you or because 
you are desperate to finally get married

If you have low self-esteem or are desperate to find a mate you may consider 
anyone who is interested in you a candidate for a lifetime mate. Because you 
worry only about whether that person likes you, you do not worry about whether 
he or she is right for you. In this way you may end up with someone who is not 
even close to the man or woman of your dreams. 

Sometimes people who are desperate to be loved and accepted by a potential 
lifetime mate are afraid of discovering that this is not the right person for 
them. So they create the illusion that the two of them are more compatible 
than they actually are. One way of doing this is to give up one's own values, 
interests or activities or by becoming involved in interests or activities 
that one really does not care about. But this type of relationship is usually 
short-lived. Trying to make it look like you are perfect for one another if 
you are not is useless. If your partner is so different in important ways that 
you can only make the relationship work by doing things you normally dislike 
or by not speaking up about something your partner is doing you feel is wrong, 
you are simply postponing the problem. Your relationship will probably break 
anyway, but it will be more painful later on. 

